Trump adds prominent barracks lawyer to 'legal dream team'
“A pardon is basically, like, it’s not guilty, you know what I mean bro?
By Bad Lawyer
WASHINGTON — Prominent barracks lawyer Pfc. Ruben Hernandez is advising President Trump to issue himself a pardon for inciting a deadly riot inside the nation’s Capitol this week that should also shield him from criticism for an inevitable retweet in support of “QAnon shaman,” sources confirmed today.
Hernandez, an Army infantryman stationed at Fort McNair and frequent legal advisor to the president and anyone standing within 10 feet of him, told reporters his client was in good spirits and believes he will be totally and completely exonerated, especially if he pardons himself.
“A pardon is basically, like, it’s not guilty, you know what I mean bro? I mean Mr. President,” Hernandez told Trump during a 74-minute tweet exchange, during the height of the melee on Capitol, in which hundreds of Trump supporters took over the Senate and House floor.
“U sure?” Trump tweeted back. “Mos Def Mr. P,” replied Hernandez, “I KNOW how this wurks,” he wrote, adding a winking emoji and praying hands.
Hernandez, who prides himself on a long list of barracks acquittals, along with “like, only a few” dishonorable discharges, takes the role of gratis legal advisor to the commander in chief seriously. “I spent, like, $49.99 on the Rudy Giuliani weekend guide to the practice of law, you know? There was at least an hour on presidential self pardons in the section on defending war criminals and defense against the dark arts,” said Hernandez.
“Not to mention the free, $99-value bonus pamphlet on beating drug tests,” he added. “Hashtag worth it.”
Hernandez, who in the past has offered his legal services to Eddie Gallagher, Michael Flynn, and that guy in Room 224 whatever his name is, feels confident in the success of his game plan. “If it doesn’t fit you must acquit, miright?! That for sho has to cover charges of sedition. Worst case scenario you have to wait until the next guy pardons you for inciting a coup.”
At press time, Trump was strongly and greatly considering taking Hernandez’s legal nuggets of wisdom and issuing himself a pardon. “Frankly it sounds more legit than anything Sidney Powell has offered so far,” the President mused aloud.
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DoD recognizes your wife's boyfriend as a dependent
By Addison Blu on Jan. 25, 2015
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has extended the definition of service member dependents to include non-family, even the good-for-nothing boyfriend your wife keeps at home while you are on deployment, Duffel Blog has learned.
“Bobby Joe’s a sweetheart, but he ain’t cheap, and he don’t have no income of his own,” said your wife in a recent statement to your neighbor. “He’s long since been dependin’ on us, so it just seems right that he’s our actual dependent now.”
The benefits of his dependency status include a tax credit and monthly stipend for you, and a DoD ID card for Bobby Joe.
“I love me some cheap Jim Beam I get on post,” Bobby Joe reportedly said, in a deposition to his parole officer. “I just wish I could get me one of them meal cards, too,” he followed, because he’s a worthless parasite, unlike Asha, your sweet-ass deployment girlfriend downrange.
Asha is a totally self-sufficient overseas linguist, and last week she even paid for your Green Beans coffee on the boardwalk.
The Pentagon has stressed that the move is a proactive effort to modernize after being way behind the social curve on gender equality, racial discrimination, and sexual orientation rights. “By legitimizing extra-marital affairs and helping service members provide for their couch-surfing buddies, we think we might finally be doing something right,” a Pentagon spokesman said in a statement to Duffel Blog.
Your wife seemed to agree, based on a hastily-written note beneath the shitty candy in your last care package. “We all come out for the better,” said the woman you felt forced to marry because she had your child. “You’re makin’ more money, Bobby Joe gots a place to stay, and I get to make you both happy.”