MYSTICAL ISLAND OF CATAN – President Donald Trump asked Congress to declare war on the Settlers of Catan, sources report. The dispute began when the president’s hopes of building the longest road came to a screeching halt after his wood and brick production dried up.
“I built all my settlements on six-token resource hexes, the very best hexes, believe me, a very common roll, the most statistically likely roll,” claimed Trump. “And you mean to tell me a six, which is really a very sound strategy, anybody will tell you, a very smart strategy, hasn’t come up the entire game?”
In addition, the desert robber was repeatedly moved onto Trump’s tiles, hijacking any resources he might have been able to draw from that terrain. Suspecting foreign corruption, Trump sent Rudy Giuliani to investigate the Settlers of Catan, whom he mistakenly believed were Chinese.
“I don’t trust these shifty Cantonese—they’re not sending their best,” said Trump drawing his fifth consecutive sheep card.
Hearing rumors of increased wheat and ore production, Russian President Vladimir Putin promptly annexed the island. The Russian Federation deployed knights from the Great Desert to the Fog Islands, claiming the title of Largest Army as well as two coveted victory points.
“What can I say? Nines are hot right now,” Putin said, grabbing a handful of resource cards from the stack while nobody else was looking.
At press time, the declaration had stalled in committee,and Trump was forced to trade with the Russians. Putin gave him one wood for three ore in what President Trump referred to as “the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals… maybe ever.”