Thousands of officers with Bronze Stars terrified after Trump rescinds four bullshit awards

WASHINGTON — Officers across the military who have been awarded Bronze Stars say they are terrified for the future after learning that President Donald Trump had on Wednesday rescinded four bullshit awards handed out to Navy prosecutors who lost the murder trial of SEAL Chief Eddie Gallagher.

“If POTUS figured out these guys don’t deserve a [Navy Achievement Medal], can you just imagine if he found out about how I got a Bronze Star for processing soldiers’ leave requests in theater?” said one officer, who spoke only on condition of anonymity. “Oh Christ, I can’t believe they even gave me a Combat ‘V’ for this for going on one patrol.”

Trump tweeted on Wednesday that he had ordered Navy Secretary Richard Spencer to claw back awards given to the prosecutors in the Gallagher trial, which critics say sets a dangerous precedent that military awards may require officers to earn them.

“I mean, hell, how many senior officers will this take out if Trump starts looking?” said one general officer with three Bronze Stars, all awarded for successfully not getting fired from command or not banging a subordinate over prior command tours.

“What's next? Will they start taking away retirement Legion of Merit awards from command sergeants major?" asked one very high-ranking enlisted soldier while preparing for retirement.

Other soldiers feared that their Combat Action Badges could be next to go.

"Will Trump change the rules of engagement so that we had to actually do like combat infantryman stuff instead of just diving into a shelter when a rocket hits the FOB?" asked one soldier while rubbing his CAB as if it were a talisman.

At press time, at least one Navy prosecutor was seen removing his recently-purchased Navy Achievement Medal license plate frame from his car at Naval Base San Diego.

Lieutenant Dan and Grumpy contributed reporting.