Trump proposes cutting housing allowance for troops with unattractive spouses

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is proposing a controversial plan that would cut the military's basic allowance for housing for troops married to unattractive spouses, Duffel Blog has learned.

"This is going to kill two birds with one big beautiful stone, folks,'' Trump said at a press conference. "It's going to reduce our massive budget deficit, and two, it's the first step in rebuilding our great military. How can our service members be great with wives that look so terrible?"

He added: "I visited Fort Bragg last week and it was appalling. It was like every soldier was married to Rosie O'Donnell."

According to a draft proposal, unit commanders would have sole discretion over whether their troops' wives or husbands would measure up to the president's standards. Defense officials are currently listening to old interviews between Trump and Howard Stern to get an understanding of what the president's preferences are.

The proposal has stirred debate among spouses and military members.

"It's definitely going to make my job easier,'' said Marine 1st Lt. Ryan Miller. "Do you know how many privates get married to strippers? A fuck ton, I'll just leave it at that. Now that the extra pay is gone, Private Dickhead will think twice about that contract marriage to the first woman walking down Lejeune Boulevard."

Still, several Family Readiness Groups have planned nationwide protests over the proposal.

'"This is the most disgusting idea I have ever heard of,'' said Lisa Wilson, FRG director for 3rd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment. "We will not stand for this sexist oppression. I mean, do you really think I would have married a 5'5'' admin soldier if there wasn't a monetary incentive? Get real! I'm not doing the toughest job in the Army for free!"

Organizers have told the Duffel Blog that the protests will include the usual cardboard signs, corny chants, and if all else fails, some smashed Starbucks windows.