Trump vows to learn identity of unknown soldier during Memorial Day speech

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump promised to learn the identity of the unknown soldier during a speech on Memorial Day.

Though the speech was intended to salute fallen military members, Trump at times appeared to veer off-script to speak about how the United States should be spending resources to investigate the actual identity of the non-existent person interred at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery.

"It's so great. It's wonderful. Those soldiers that walk up and down protecting that guy's tomb. I bet I could do it. I'm great. If I had been in the Army, which I always felt like I was, I would've been up there marching back and forth," Trump said. "It's a shame. We don't know who he is anymore."

He continued: "I bet that guy was really important, like me. I bet I'll have guards at my tomb too. Why don't we know who we is? Shameful."

According to witnesses in the audience, the commander-in-chief later promised to "find out who's in this thing once and for all."

"We're gonna get the best people on it. I don't understand why we've gone since the Civil War without figuring this out," he said. Trump also railed against the military for not using name tapes on uniforms until fairly recently.

"It's that simple. I thought of that before, that's why the military sews it on there. It's great. Why didn't Obama think of this? He was too busy playing golf," Trump said, before heading to his "Winter White House" at Mar-a-Lago for a round of golf.