WASHINGTON — The nation’s war dead overwhelmingly agreed with President Donald Trump’s Memorial Day remembrance tweet and asserted their happiness at how well the country is doing, sources confirmed today.
On Monday, Trump tweeted that the war dead would be happy and proud at how well the country is doing, while noting the positive state of the economy and that blacks, Hispanics and women have the lowest unemployment rates in decades. He also referred to rebuilding the military in an apparently positive way, to the befuddlement of frustrated pilots, munitions handlers and overworked special forces operators.
Still, Duffel Blog reporters visited national military cemeteries nationwide and learned that every one agreed with Trump's message.
At the Revolutionary War Cemetery in Salem, N.Y., interred veteran Robert J. Jones, who died at the battle of Saratoga, was quick to agree with the president.
“I was called in a minute to defeat a British force marching from Lake Ontario, and to lower the unemployment rate among 21st century black American," Jones said. "I appreciate what Trump has done and I would like how the nation looks today, if I had eyes to see. But I’m dead, so please get that microphone out of what’s left of my face and re-fill my grave. But cheers to our trumpet-blowing President Trump, who has made America great again. After my blood made it great for the first time in 1777.”
Palmer W. Hayden, a WWII veteran interviewed at his gravesite at Arlington National Cemetery, also praised the president on multiple counts.
“We black soldiers were often used as rear-echelon support troops. But we did our part in Belgium and during the occupation of Germany to make sure black unemployment would be the lowest ever once Donald Trump became president. For the first time since I was mortared down in that damn forest, I am really proud of my country.”
One of the first American service-members killed in Vietnam, William “Willie Deuce” Williams, who was interviewed at the Omaha National Cemetery, Neb., summed up the feelings of most veterans about the current commander-in-chief.
“I can’t help rebuild the military because I died so long ago in a war we lost. But I can appreciate the current low unemployment rates among women. I realize now that that is exactly what I fought for. After all these decades, I can rest in peace finally knowing I didn’t die for nothing in that patch of elephant grass right off Highway 1A. And neither did our nation's best 'fortunate son.' By the grace of God he was preserved from serving in combat exactly in order to become the commander-in-chief of our combat forces.”
At press time, Trump had quickly moved beyond his heartfelt assessment of the value of the nation's war dead and was busy tweeting about someone called Sally Yates as well as "phony Russian collusion," topics which caused the country's dead war heroes to thank their respective gods that they aren't alive anymore.