Trump orders 'every swinging dick' to attend transgender training

TAMPA, Fla. — President Donald Trump confirmed during a trip to Central Command that he is moving forward with new integration training for transgender servicemen and women.

"I want every swinging dick to get their asses into this training," he said to soldiers and airmen in a short speech on the base. "No one is pulling out, let me tell you."

He went on to offer more details, and addressed a common concern raised by active-duty troops.

"Transgender training does not mean you are being trained to be transgender, ladies and gentlemen, or whatever you identify as," Trump said. "I can tell you for certain right now, and trust me on this, that if you like your penis, you can keep it."

According to a senior defense official, the Pentagon will soon rollout the new pronouns of "Mir" and "Sa'am" for junior troops to address officers who identify outside of the gender they were born with. Though interestingly enough, the Trump administration has so far not specified which term would be applied to which situation.

When asked by a soldier in the crowd what would be done, if anything, for separating people in open showers, the commander-in-chief excitedly began to describe his plan for a wall.

"You know, I was hoping he would be a real conservative leader," Master Sgt. Dewain Anthony told reporters. "I knew I made the wrong choice. If Hillary had won, this change wouldn't be implemented for another 3.5 years at least... just enough time for me to retire with my old ways of thinking cemented forever."

Other leaders were disappointed too, though for opposite reasons.

"I've had four of my guys tell me they demand to be regarded as women," said Cpl. Raymond Klatz. "Four of them. In like 30 minutes. A couple of them had a shit-eating grin as they went on to say how they refuse to have a male roommate in the barracks. Look, I'll level with you. I voted for Gary Johnson, I'm down with the LGBT crowd, but... this is gonna suck a lot of dick."

After the address, while speaking to the press directly, Trump lamented what he viewed as a lack of maturity on the issue, claiming that "if these guys don't clam up and take this seriously, they're about a cunt-hair away from extra SHARP classes as well."