FORT HOOD, Texas — President Donald Trump issued a “full and unconditional pardon” on Wednesday to Fort Hood following similar legal reprieves for public figures guilty of crimes committed during his administration including Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, and Scott Baio.

According to sources, Trump surprised officials with the Army’s III Corps when he flew to Fort Hood earlier this week and read the proclamation to a gate guard for the service’s largest post. And in a stunning move, the president shocked even his closest allies by also presenting the Medal of Freedom to the Army base. Stepping over several flowers and memorials to dead soldiers, he draped the medal over a crumpled Whataburger bag that was filled with Shiner empties, the unofficial mascot of Central Texas.

“You’re beautiful. We love you. Come see me at my inauguration,” the soon-to-be-former president told the guards.