THE WHITE HOUSE — President Donald Trump will replace a brilliant military strategist currently serving as his national security adviser with a strange old dude who likes to wear a creepy mustache, sources confirmed today.
In a presidential announcement on Twitter, Trump said he would remove Lt. Gen. H.R. McMaster from his role in favor of John Bolton, a former Ambassador to the United Nations and fill-in manager at Denny's in Alexandria, Va.
"I am very thankful for the service of General H.R. McMaster who has done an outstanding job & will always remain my friend. There will be an official contact handover on 4/9," Trump wrote in a tweet of McMaster, who will always remain the president's friend until 4/10.
Bolton brings considerable national security experience to the job, to include pushing for the invasion of Iraq — which would later be called a resounding success — as well as his work in trying to spur regime change everywhere from North Korea to Iran to Canada.
Bolton is also highly regarded by most members of Congress and inside the United Nations, where he worked diligently during the Bush administration to build a coalition of most European allies that universally despised him.
Trump's announcement will cap an end to an illustrious career for McMaster, who opted for retirement from the Army instead of going for his fourth star, illustrating just how happy he was after a 34-year career of public service with only one spent at the White House.
McMaster made a name for himself early on in his career during Operation Desert Storm, where he performed heroically during the Battle of 73 Easting. He was known throughout the Army as an innovator and exceptional leader, and was once hailed as "the architect of the future U.S. Army," although some critics noted that he never grew a strange-looking old guy mustache like that of his successor.