WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump ordered a Tomahawk cruise military strike against one of the 3,297 factions currently fighting in the Syrian civil war, sources confirmed today.
Just days after the Syrian government, one of the thousands of rebel groups, or al Qaeda terrorists allegedly bombed civilians with chemical weapons, Trump and his military planners launched missiles after mulling options that could potentially punish the perpetrators of such a war crime.
"Everything is on the table," Trump told reporters onboard Air Force One on Wednesday. "We're pretty sure it's Assad who carried out this egregious attack. That's what my so-called intelligence agencies are telling me. But they told me stuff about Russia, and that was fake news, fake, fake news, so I'm not sure. I don't know what we're going to do, but we're going to do something. Something."
"I'm not going to tell you what I'm going to do, because we want ISIS to be surprised by a sneak attack," he added.
Defense Secretary Jim Mattis traveled to Florida to brief the president on military options for the region, which has been in a bloody civil war for more than six years. According to defense officials, Trump could have deployed Navy SEALs on a covert mission to destroy Syrian military facilities, launched air strikes, or lobbed cruise missiles as a way of punishing the Assad regime.
All the options, however, had downsides. In the case of cruise missiles or air strikes, there was a strong possibility that Russian military hackers currently assisting Assad, WikiLeaks, and Trump associates could have been killed, while a Navy SEAL mission would have resulted in the writing of a bad book and the filming of an even worse movie.
On Thursday evening, reporters spotted Mattis at Mar-a-Lago with binders labeled "shitty option," "fucking Christ don't let him pick this one," and "world targets in Megadeaths," among others.
At press time, Trump had chosen the binder labeled "most painless and politically-expedient choice," which included technical specifications, targets, and potential backlash from cruise missile strikes on a Syrian air base.