Trump plans to force Taliban to negotiating table by January 2025

WASHINGTON — Saying that he has unleashed the United States military and "taken the gloves off," President Donald Trump reiterated today that he would crush the Taliban insurgency and force them to the negotiating table by January 2025, sources confirmed.

Though he stressed that he was implementing a new Afghan war strategy not impeded by artificial time tables for troop withdrawals, Trump insisted that victory would be at hand sometime in the next eight years or so.

"We're about to turn the corner in this fight," Trump told reporters in a press conference after he outlined a new strategy on Monday.

In what he called a "fresh start," Trump said that the US military would stamp out rampant corruption in the Afghan government, subdue Pakistani support for the Taliban, and achieve a flourishing democracy in the region by continuing to train Afghan security forces that have been sitting through PowerPoint presentations given by US troops for the past 16 years.

Trump's bold new plan would also pare back overly-restrictive rules of engagement that have held back soldiers on the ground from effectively targeting Taliban forces by killing innocent civilians.

In a break from his predecessors, the president also outlined measurable objectives for success in Afghanistan, such as "win," and "kill lots of terrorists."

"You will not win a battlefield victory," Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said on Tuesday in a warning to the Taliban, the militant group currently winning in Afghanistan. "We may not win one but neither will you," he added, mistakenly disclosing the Pentagon's highly-classified Kick Can Down The Road operations plan.

The Pentagon plans to use a system for Afghanistan similar to the Bush administration's color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System, which would soon allow Americans to track the level of winning in Afghanistan on a monthly basis.