REPORT: Ukraine Menaced By Large Threatening Arrows
KIEV, Ukraine – Ukraine's acting president Oleksandr Turchynov has put out an international call for assistance after his nation came under threat from what he described as a group of large hostile arrows.
"We have received reports from border posts of many arrows of varying sizes moving towards Ukraine," Turchynov said in a panicked phone call. "They are coming by land, sea, the air! There is no stopping them!"
According to Turchynov, the arrows are pointing across the Ukrainian border and are poised to push deep into the country's vulnerable heartland.
No one knows what the strength, composition, or even demands of the arrows are. Turchynov described the arrows as various shades of red and said they had been lurking along Ukraine's eastern border for years, disguised as circles and squares and other innocent little shapes.
Turchynov said Ukraine's badly depleted arsenal of smaller arrows was already moving in full retreat away from the big arrows and has asked NATO and neighboring countries to lend any geometric shapes they can spare.
In response, NATO head Anders Rasmussen said the alliance would be sending a group of smaller, highly-mobile blue arrows into western Ukraine and other neighboring countries, to guard various strategically important stars, dots and squiggly lines.
Turchynov added he has warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, since any arrows that threaten Ukraine can just as easily threaten Russia. Putin allegedly responded that Russia is aware of the arrows, but claimed they are actually disgruntled Ukrainian arrows which merely want to point away from Russia.
U.S. President Barack Obama has also vowed to draw a red line on the crisis in support of Ukraine, prompting Turchynov to go into a state of panic until his advisers assured him that it was a just a harmless red line segment.
Based on the pattern of red and blue arrows, Ukrainian intelligence has not ruled out a third group of arrows, either yellow or some sort of purplish hue, coming from the south.