Uncle Mattis gives Jared Kushner 'Super Duper Secret Clearance' to stop him from crying
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis has persuaded Jared Kushner to stop crying and stomping his feet after losing his interim Top Secret clearance by offering him "an even better clearance," sources confirmed today.
White House sources say that Mattis, known to Kushner as Unky Matty, knelt down and put his hand on Kushner’s shoulder as the 37-year-old sniffled back tears. “This clearance is super duper secret, so you can’t tell anyone else about it,” Mattis said in a low voice before winking knowingly at the aides taking care of Kushner. “Just you and me, okay slugger?”
Kushner was reluctant to accept the offer. “What about mean ol' Kelly?” Kushner asked, according to sources. “Is he gonna take this one away too?”
“He can’t, big guy,” said Mattis, sneaking Kushner a piece of candy even though he had not eaten his dinner yet. “Kelly only …
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