UNDERGROUND NAZI BASE?! 90% of neo-Nazis live in secretive 'mom's basement'

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Nearly 90 percent of the country's neo-Nazis and white supremacists are thought to live in a secret underground base they refer to as "mom's basement," sources confirmed today.

The secret Nazi base is where white supremacists go for ideological indoctrination and to hoard supplies of Hot Pockets and non-kosher pickles, officials said.

There remains an air of mystery about the figure called "Mom" — believed to be the leader of the American neo-Nazi movement — and exactly what else she is hiding in her "basement."

This secretive leader of the far right has been known to "cook" and "clean," sources said. Law enforcement officials believe this to be code for her removing methamphetamine and the blood off her hands, while her "sons" hatch devious plots in front of high-tech, triple-screen desktop monitors.

The group is allegedly connected to other bases by a sophisticated network of first-person tactical simulators, designed to hone their fighting skills without drawing the attention of the authorities.

Although the FBI and local law enforcement across the country have tried diligently to locate the base, it is allegedly concealed in an impermeable canopy of hydrangeas and the scent of warm apple pie.

"We've tried everything," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "Agents undercover as pizza delivery boys, tracking devices in Xbox One controllers, staking out the mall food court, but these guys are elusive."

Anonymous tips have reported "Mom" as seen buying large quantities of cleaning supplies and laundry detergent, common precursors for homemade explosives. She is considered armed and dangerous.