Unemployed Anti-War Protesters Demand Syrian Invasion
NEW YORK, NY – With the latest nationwide unemployment figures showing another rise in jobless claims, a crowd of out-of-work anti-war protesters took to the streets last Friday in several major cities to demand a US invasion of Syria.
About 400 demonstrators chanting, "One-two-three-four, we need to protest a war," marched through Zuccotti Park, the former location of last year's Occupy Wall Street protests. Others carried signs which said "Just Bomb Someone!" and "Support Our Troops: Send Them Back!"
Spokesman Gordon Vogel, wearing a faded "Buck Fush!" t-shirt, commented that a US invasion of Syria could play a key role in getting unemployed protesters back to work and on the streets.
"Even though many people describe us as 'smelly hippies', most of us are quite entrepreneurial. A lot of groups like Occupy Wall Street and Invisible Children actually pay people to go to their rallies to beef up their crowd size. I made a pretty decent living as a professional anti-war protester until 2008."
Vogel blames the current massive unemployment among anti-war protesters on the recession, the increased use of drone aircraft, and the election of President Obama.
"The day after [Obama] was elected, the money dried up. Everyone just assumed peace would break out. Now look at us: last year the United States was at war in five separate countries, but there wasn't a single card-carrying anti-war protester on the streets!"
Vogel described the drop in anti-war protests as having a ripple effect on the economy, with other businesses that traditionally supply the anti-war industry suffering as well.
"You can actually follow the domino effect on the economy: first the anti-war protesters were laid off, then the marijuana dealers, then the Ben & Jerry's servers, and novelty shirt makers, and so on."
According to Vogel, the immediate effect of a US invasion of Syria would be to get the American people donating again to anti-war causes.
"Once most Americans have to see their sons and daughters -- well, not theirs obviously, but someone else's -- being zipped up into body bags on the evening news, it'll be 2003 all over again. That's the year I was able to refinance my mortgage AND buy a second car!"
The former Iraq Veterans Against War group also welcomed a Syrian-intervention, saying that "they really need this one if we want to continue to raise money."
Vogel also added that if the US does invade Syria, it would have to be with ground troops, as most Americans don't consider drone strikes to be a form of warfare.
"A few years ago I went to a protest march against the conflict in Pakistan and yelled 'Hell no! I won't go!' until someone told me that the entire war is being fought by unmanned aerial vehicles controlled out of Las Vegas. What the fuck?"
Despite President Obama's anti-anti-war policies, the unemployed anti-war crowd has refused to endorse a candidate in the upcoming presidential election, although an unofficial survey suggests that many of its members voted for either Rick Santorum or Newt Gingrich in the Republican primaries.
"We had two capable candidates," said Vogel. "One who promised to restart the Crusades and the other to begin the conquest of Mars. Either way, it meant good business for us."