US Army, Marine Corps Facing Charges Of Forcible Sodomy

THE PENTAGON - Both the United States Army and Marine Corps are facing startling allegations of misconduct against millions of military members, including charges of forcible sodomy, according to an announcement from Pentagon officials on Friday.

The charges couldn't come at a worse time for Pentagon leaders, who are currently facing fallout from an Army General accused of similar crimes.

The Pentagon has refused to elaborate on the nature of the allegations, but victims of abuse have come forward to Duffel Blog on condition of anonymity.

"They took me in a room," said one Private First Class amid sobs. "It was dark and I could sense there was a group of them. They were snickering as they put the pen into my hand, made me lean over a table, and then...they made me sign the contract."

Shortly after the contract was signed, the Private said his recruiter pulled a slender, green object from his desk drawer before saying, "welcome to the jungle." The object apparently had "Golf-Whiskey" stenciled on its side.

Other victims have detailed recruiters promising candy, huge monetary bonuses, and "not having to deploy since the war was pretty much over" before they were brutally sodomized.

One Marine detailed his extensive abuse throughout his tenure in the Marine Corps.

"I was so excited when I joined up and got my contract to the Air Wing," said the Lance Corporal, who went into detail on his first experience. "Then halfway through boot camp, my Drill Instructor tells me I'm going to be infantry instead, and I'm still going to be in for five years instead of four."

He continued: "So then I get to my first unit as a rifleman with 1/1 and I practically got butt-fucked just about every day -- working parties, fuck-fuck games, cancelled leave -- and not once, NOT EVEN ONCE, did they ever use lube. It was just ram it in over and over. I was pretty goddamn dry on my fourth deployment to Iraq, let me tell you."

Officials are unclear on what the charges may mean for military branches, but public affairs officials have released guidance to all military news outlets to use "more appropriate terminology when referring to 'forcible sodomy.'"

"Basically, we want to make sure our reporting is accurate across the force," said Captain Gene Elliott, with Marine Public Affairs. "So we're telling our Marines who have been sodomized that that's not the case -- you've actually been 'getting some', which is in keeping with our warrior spirit and ethos."

The Captain went on to say that the Army was currently debating the changes they would make to the soldier lexicon, with top suggestions being "getting Hooah-ed" or "Thank you Sergeant, may I have another?"