US Army Still ‘The Best in History’ After 50-Year 1-1-7 Record

THE PENTAGON — U.S. Army leaders insist their force is still “the greatest fighting force in human history” even after a woeful record exacerbated by two debacles in Iraq and Afghanistan, sources confirmed today.

“Look at the Roman Legion,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Martin 'McFly' Dempsey, comparing the Romans to the modern U.S. Army which failed in Vietnam, Kosovo, Iraq, Libya, Iraq again, Afghanistan, and barely tied in Korea. "They never once waged a proper counterinsurgency. They never won hearts and minds, they just went right in and nailed the insurgents to crosses along the Appian Way. That’s not how you fight a counterinsurgency, it’s just not nice!”

Dempsey, 62, was adamant in defending a force he said would make any foreign military quake in its sandals.

"Frederick the Great was an awful human being," he continued. "Did you know that he invaded Austria solely because their leader was a woman and he thought he could take advantage of her military ineptitude? Sounds like he was in dire need of Equal Opportunity Training if you ask me."

The retreat from Iraq, which would have been easier to explain away if not for the subsequent entrance of the Islamic State into the power vacuum, has resulted in a country roiled by sectarian fighting. On the other side of the Hindu Kush, Afghanistan continues to teeter on the edge of non-statehood, the way it was before the United States invaded in 2001.

“Let me be clear here,” Sgt. Maj. of the Army Raymond Chandler explained at a press conference while taking a break from an exhausting purge of combat leaders from the Army’s ranks, “We are still the greatest, the bestest, and most strongest Army in history. Now, I know much history, being that I got a Associates in Homeland Security, and we are the most powerful military formation ever. Panama? We won that, fair and square.”

As of press time, the Army's record is still better than the West Point Football Team, which has not won anything at all since 1923.