RANCHO MIRAGE, CA — Following joint U.S.-China talks Friday, Barack Obama and Xi Jinping released a new joint declaration of principles that stated the two countries had agreed that they were in total disagreement on basically all issues of governance, had essentially no common interests in spite of being economically intertwined, and would continue to attempt to undermine each other at every turn by any means necessary.

However, it also stated that the leaders had agreed that this rivalry to the death would not impact the two countries' fundamental good relations, and that China and the United States hoped to continue to enjoy each other's friendship while attempting to destroy one another. Speaking to press afterwards about what prompted the decision, the two stated that the breakthrough came while talking about North Korea.

"I was pressing him about China's backing of North Korea," said Obama, "and we were both feeling very frustrated. Finally, he said "stop asking me for things you know I can't give you. You know the situation. Our support for North Korea is just geopolitics ...we hate those crazy, embarrassing assholes and they hate us right back. It's like the opposite of our relationship with you."

"I asked him what he meant, and he said that even though China is a direct and active rival of the U.S. that wants to see us crumble in the long term, they still view the United States with great affection and respect," he added.