By Bull Winkle
WASHINGTON, D.C. – To exact revenge on the Taliban, the Defense Department is turning to Hollywood’s deadliest stars.
Spokesperson Col. Dale Lewis said the DOD intends to hire Liam Neeson for counterterrorism missions, part of U.S. commitment to fighting threats in Afghanistan, evacuating American citizens, and warming hearts. “Mr. Neeson excels in each of those areas,” Lewis said, “he has a very particular set of skills acquired over a very long career, that make him a nightmare for people like the Taliban.”
Lewis said that Neeson has repeatedly demonstrated his comprehensive abilities to eliminate threats from terrorists, criminal gangs, Nazis, kidnappers, the supernatural, obsessed French policemen, vicious wolves, and precocious ten-year-olds.
“He’s more versatile than special operations forces, and not nearly as self-impressed,” said Lewis.
“We know Neeson’s famous approach of ‘find them and kill them’ is the innovative counterterrorist technique we’ve lacked,” Lewis stated. He said that this methodology is consistent with America’s expert blending of tactics and strategy throughout the Afghanistan conflict.
“Hell yeah,” said former Navy SEAL Jocko Willink, poster of a recent viral video recommending a tough Afghanistan approach. “If this war taught us anything, it’s that we can kill our way through the complexities of modern terrorism.”
The DOD concept is receiving bi-partisan support from Congress. Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) backs the plan. “It’s anti-woke, so I’ll vote to fund it,” he said, “Besides, I’ve never used my legislative power or military experience to perform meaningful oversight of the Afghanistan war and don’t plan to start now.” Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) credited Neeson’s deadliness, saying “When Liam Neeson speaks, I need to pee.”
Liam Neeson responded through his publicist, Erin Jacobs. Jacobs said that although honored by the DOD offer, Neeson declined to accept. “Liam stresses that he’s a 69-year-old actor, not really a vengeance killing machine. His only set of special skills is acting chops for everything from slam-bang action to romantic comedy. He’s also talented with origami and training cats.”
Lewis said that the DOD also intends to hire other deadly stars like Chuck Norris, Jason Statham, and Gal Gadot for more counterterrorism operations.
“We’ve tried everything else in the Middle East, Afghanistan, and Africa, so why the fuck not,” said Lewis.