Duffel Blog

Share this post
US contracts Liam Neeson for revenge against Taliban
www.duffelblog.com

US contracts Liam Neeson for revenge against Taliban

He has a very particular set of skills.

Sep 20, 2021
Comment7
Share

By Bull Winkle

WASHINGTON, D.C. – To exact revenge on the Taliban, the Defense Department is turning to Hollywood’s deadliest stars.

Spokesperson Col. Dale Lewis said the DOD intends to hire Liam Neeson for counterterrorism missions, part of U.S. commitment to fighting threats in Afghanistan, evacuating American citizens, and warming hearts. “Mr. Neeson excels in each of those areas,” Lewis said, “he has a very particular set of skills acquired over a very long career, that make him a nightmare for people like the Taliban.”

Lewis said that Neeson has repeatedly demonstrated his comprehensive abilities to eliminate threats from terrorists, criminal gangs, Nazis, kidnappers, the supernatural, obsessed French policemen, vicious wolves, and precocious ten-year-olds.

“He’s more versatile than special operations forces, and not nearly as self-impressed,” said Lewis.

“We know Neeson’s famous approach of ‘find them and kill them’ is the innovative counterterrorist technique we’ve lacked,” Lewis stated. He said that this methodology is consistent with America’s expert blending of tactics and strategy throughout the Afghanistan conflict.

“Hell yeah,” said former Navy SEAL Jocko Willink, poster of a recent viral video recommending a tough Afghanistan approach. “If this war taught us anything, it’s that we can kill our way through the complexities of modern terrorism.”

Share

The DOD concept is receiving bi-partisan support from Congress. Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) backs the plan. “It’s anti-woke, so I’ll vote to fund it,” he said, “Besides, I’ve never used my legislative power or military experience to perform meaningful oversight of the Afghanistan war and don’t plan to start now.” Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) credited Neeson’s deadliness, saying “When Liam Neeson speaks, I need to pee.”

Liam Neeson responded through his publicist, Erin Jacobs. Jacobs said that although honored by the DOD offer, Neeson declined to accept. “Liam stresses that he’s a 69-year-old actor, not really a vengeance killing machine. His only set of special skills is acting chops for everything from slam-bang action to romantic comedy. He’s also talented with origami and training cats.”

Lewis said that the DOD also intends to hire other deadly stars like Chuck Norris, Jason Statham, and Gal Gadot for more counterterrorism operations.

“We’ve tried everything else in the Middle East, Afghanistan, and Africa, so why the fuck not,” said Lewis.

Leave a comment

Comment7
ShareShare

Create your profile

0 subscriptions will be displayed on your profile (edit)

Skip for now

Only paid subscribers can comment on this post

Already a paid subscriber? Sign in

Check your email

For your security, we need to re-authenticate you.

Click the link we sent to , or click here to sign in.

Crusty Colonel
Sep 20, 2021

Yeah, but if he takes this job and turns his back on his home life for two seconds, they'll just kidnap his daughter again. Happens all the time. Is it bad luck, or just bad parenting. Wrong set of skills I suspect!

Expand full comment
Reply
founding
Glenn
Sep 20, 2021

Let's remember John Wayne. He can be dug up and cloned, right?

Expand full comment
Reply
1 reply
5 more comments…
TopNewCommunity

No posts

Ready for more?

© 2022 Duffel Blog LLC
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Publish on Substack Get the app
Substack is the home for great writing