By Jordan Hemlock

KABUL, Afghanistan — Afghanistan is in chaos after the U.S. government announced that five Wonka bars throughout the country contain Special Immigration Visas for an interpreter and one lucky family member.

Interpreters are quitting their jobs, pulling their children out of school, and recruiting family members nationwide to help purchase and shell Wonka bars. Seventeen deaths have already occurred as the Taliban attempt to cut off the chocolate supply into the country. Violence has also been reported amongst family members vying to be their interpreter’s single companion should they find one of the coveted visas.

“My school was bombed last week,” said Arezo Sayed, the daughter of a former interpreter. “At first I was crushed to see my future in flames, but now I am thankful because I can unwrap Wonka bars 14 hours a day.”

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