US Hires George R. R. Martin To Wipe Out ISIS, Kill Off F-35

THE PENTAGON – The world of Islamic terrorism is bracing for impact today after a Pentagon press release announced that the United States will be canceling the F-35 program and instead hiring George R. R. Martin as Senior Pentagon Strategist, sources say. The respected fantasy author was appointed after members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff finally caught up on season five of Game of Thrones, which according to witnesses, Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh described as “fucking brutal.”

Cutting the F-35 and selling the remaining aircraft to China will serve as the source of funding for the new billet. It seems as though no one will be sad to see it go. The troubled program was facing a total bill of $1.5 trillion, all for an aircraft that had difficulty performing basic flight and dogfighting maneuvers but did, in fact, possess radar.

But why George R. R. Martin? The answer, says Gen. Mark Milley, Army Chief of Staff, can be summed up in two words.

“Body count," Milley said. “He’s a ruthless, efficient killer that shows no mercy. George is the kind of man I want on my side. Far, far away from me, but on my side.”

"A paperback book costs about four dollars to produce," Air Force Gen. Mark Welsh chimed in. "And George was able to kill thousands of people with just one. Imagine what he could do with $1.5 trillion."

The effect on ISIS is already becoming clear. Several factions of the terrorist group have surrendered to US forces in the region. One particularly frightened group of fighters preemptively dumped molten gold on themselves "just to get it over with."

The appointment has had positive effects at the ground level in the US as well. Recruitment in both military and civilian counterterrorism positions has skyrocketed all over the nation. Recruiters were first concerned and confused by this swell in numbers, but the situation clarified when Martin promised to release the next book in the series only after the last ISIS fighter breathed his last.

“Most of the new recruits are computer specialists,” said Sgt. Jamie Mills, a recruiter, “and one individual seems to think that cosplay is an army MOS, but we’ll do our usual bit of promising that they’ll get the job they want and then making them infantry.”

The plan as a whole, however, is a bit more complicated. Martin has promised to destroy ISIS using a seven-part strategy, and has only written part one. He claims there is at least a portion of an outline for parts two and three, however.

Some are still skeptical of how well this is going to work out.

“A seven part series?” ISIS member — and avid fantasy reader — Faruk al-Jummadi said on Twitter. “Well, valar morghulis, I guess … in 2035."