US Sanctions Iran With Aging Nuclear Weapons

WASHINGTON — Responding to criticisms over a pending US-Iran Nuclear deal, President Obama has offered an alternate plan offering late-model nuclear weapons to Iran.

“They really think that they want nuclear weapons? We’ll see how they like it once they have them,” Obama said on a Tandberg secure video call to the National Security Council. “The $20 billion bill to maintain, like, two of them would bankrupt the whole country. That’s 18 percent of their GDP. We’re struggling with the cost ourselves, and we spend more money minting dollar coins than they put into their entire Air Force.”

“Throw in some cruise missiles while you’re at it. When the phone rings at 2am because some of their best pilots accidently load up veritable yield nuclear W80-1s on a flight into Tehran, that’s Mahmoud’s problem now.”

The deal would move several weapons from Minot and Malstrom Air Force Bases, which houses a number of Air Force officers implicated in a recreational drug use scandal. The bases also coincidentally have enough nuclear weapons onsite to wipe Iran off the map.

“Look, no one really understands why we have over 2,000 nuclear weapons anymore,” said Secretary of the Air Force Deborah Lee, concerning the transfer. “It’s just that if we want to get rid of any of them, we have to get the whole world to agree.”

“I don’t even want to start with what it’s like to have another START talk,” said President Obama. “Well, no one really seems happy with this nuclear deal with Iran right now, so we may as well solve one problem for ourselves. Merry Christmas, Iran. If you want some early attempts at nuclear weapons, you can have ours. You figure out how to stabilize those bitches.”

The Pentagon has not formally announced the first transfers, but a few off-the-record statements have leaked as Iran prepares for the transfer.

While the Air Force had already begun a 50% reduction of Minuteman 3 Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles, the $300 million dollar price tag for properly disposing of the weapons reportedly had nothing to do with the decision to “helping Iran build a safe, secure Middle East through the power of nuclear deterrence.”

Within three months of standing up the Islamic People of Iran’s Nuclear Weapons Corps, 32 percent were found to be cheating on their qualifications exams by U.N. inspectors, long before any weapons arrived.

Given the early success of the program, Russia has stepped forward and also agreed to give Iran several RS-12M nuclear missiles.

“We’ve been maintaining the highest levels of maintenance on these weapons,” said Kremlin Spokesman Vladimir Katoosha. “The Iranians should not worry at all that these gifts to our comrades in regional defense are slowly leaking radiation into precious arable farmland and limited water resources.”

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