WASHINGTON — Responding to criticisms over a pending US-Iran Nuclear deal, President Obama has offered an alternate plan offering late-model nuclear weapons to Iran.

“They really think that they want nuclear weapons? We’ll see how they like it once they have them,” Obama said on a Tandberg secure video call to the National Security Council. “The $20 billion bill to maintain, like, two of them would bankrupt the whole country. That’s 18 percent of their GDP. We’re struggling with the cost ourselves, and we spend more money minting dollar coins than they put into their entire Air Force.”

“Throw in some cruise missiles while you’re at it. When the phone rings at 2am because some of their best pilots accidently load up veritable yield nuclear W80-1s on a flight into Tehran, that’s Mahmoud’s problem now.”

The deal would move several weapons from Minot and Malstrom Air Force Bases, which houses a number of Air Force officers implicated in a recreational drug use scandal. The bases also coincidentally have enough nuclear weapons onsite to wipe Iran off the map.