US kills mid-level Taliban commander, wins war

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — After an Operation Resolute Support announcement this morning claiming that a drone strike has killed Abu Nacheez, a mid-level Taliban commander active in Helmand Province, all hostilities in Afghanistan ceased immediately, according to CENTCOM sources.

A Taliban spokesperson confirmed the death on Twitter. In a lengthy tweetstorm, he wrote, “We could handle Mullah Omar’s martyrdom. We could handle 18 years of war. But this is too much to bear. There is not a single man in this country or Pakistan willing to replace Abu Nacheez and take up arms against the Invaders. #WeGiveUp.”

In the wake of this unconditional surrender, an estimated 90 percent of Americans have left the country or are waiting at Bagram Air Base to board outbound transport planes.

An anonymous CENTCOM source says most of the planes are bound for Iraq, where the troops are expected to join the ongoing effort to violently repair centuries-old sectarian rifts and provide security for contractors. Those remaining in Afghanistan will conduct mop-up operations against the last terrorist in the world, an austere religious scholar who goes by the nom de guerre “1x adult male w/ICOM.”