By Bad Lawyer
WASHINGTON — In a stunning reversal of policy this morning, the Biden administration announced it has offered to trade back former Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl to the Taliban in exchange for the safe passage of American citizens and interpreters attempting to flee Afghanistan.
“We do not normally trade back war prisoners after securing their freedom, but let’s be honest, we got a pretty bad deal when we released the five guys currently running the Taliban in exchange for Bergdahl,” said one senior administration official.
“We thought Bergdahl would have at least gathered some intel in the five years he spent with the Taliban, but no. He just kept complaining how scratchy the blindfolds were and whining that deserting wasn’t ‘as much fun’ as he thought it would be.”
The Biden administration has come under fire for its offer to re-exchange Bergdahl as many pointed out it would violate the U.S. military’s long-standing creed to “leave no man behind.”
However, the administration remains undeterred. “If we have learned anything in the last few weeks it's that leaving people behind is not nearly as hard as we thought it would be,” said White House spokesman Jen Psaki.
While the Taliban has yet to respond to the offer, sources reported Mullah Mohammed Omar was overheard muttering “No takesies, no backsies. We triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue make it true.”
Duffel Blog made multiple attempts to reach Bergdahl for comment but he could not be located.