By Cat Astronaut

AFGHANISTAN — With Afghanistan spiraling into chaos in recent weeks, the United States has reassured its Afghan partners that regardless of how bad things get, the American military-industrial complex will get through it and come out on the other side stronger than ever.

“To our Afghan allies and partners, we know you’re going through some tough times,” said President Joe Biden. “But rest assured, your pain and suffering will have little to no long-term effect on our country’s thriving defense establishment. And that’s something to be proud of.”

Biden also reminded the Afghan people not to worry about what will happen to all the American aircraft and artillery that are no longer bombing the Taliban on a daily basis, because they will “be just fine without you.”

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“Don’t you worry about our big boy war toys one bit,” said Biden. “Just because they’re not bombing you anymore doesn’t mean they aren’t finding other creative means to burn through tax dollars at the rapid rate.”

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