US reassures Afghans that military-industrial complex will come out of this stronger than ever

And isn't that what matters most?

By Cat Astronaut

AFGHANISTAN — With Afghanistan spiraling into chaos in recent weeks, the United States has reassured its Afghan partners that regardless of how bad things get, the American military-industrial complex will get through it and come out on the other side stronger than ever.

“To our Afghan allies and partners, we know you’re going through some tough times,” said President Joe Biden. “But rest assured, your pain and suffering will have little to no long-term effect on our country’s thriving defense establishment. And that’s something to be proud of.”

Biden also reminded the Afghan people not to worry about what will happen to all the American aircraft and artillery that are no longer bombing the Taliban on a daily basis, because they will “be just fine without you.”


“Don’t you worry about our big boy war toys one bit,” said Biden. “Just because they’re not bombing you anymore doesn’t mean they aren’t finding other creative means to burn through tax dollars at the rapid rate.”

The withdrawal from Afghanistan has allowed the military-industrial complex to shift focus to the even more lucrative workstream of Great Power Conflict, in which the amount of money to be made dwarfs the past two decades of irregular warfare.

“We were worried this whole Afghanistan fiasco would cause our budgets to dry up,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Mark Milley. “But it turns out it has freed up funds for us to buy even more useless shit than ever.”

“It would have been nice to score a couple more fraudulent and possibly non-existent contracts in Afghanistan before we left, though.”

At press time, an inconsolable Dick Cheney was seen shedding a single tear over potential war profits left unreaped.

Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of Ye Olde Tyme News.

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