US says it will stay in Syria until it spends $1 trillion defeating ISIS

WASHINGTON — U.S. military officials have assured worried allies that the fight in Syria will continue until it spends at least $1 trillion defeating ISIS and a corrupt, democratically-elected government beholden to the U.S. can be instituted, sources confirmed today.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told reporters this week that the primary mission for the U.S. has not changed in Syria, which is to defeat remnants of the ISIS terrorist group. Still, he added that the situation was "complex" and the military would also remain in Syria to guard against Iranian influence, work to end the Syrian civil war, deal with humanitarian issues, play geo-strategic chess with Russia, support and defend against its ally Turkey, and ensure girls can attend school.

"We may need to call up the DEA and get them involved in some counter-narcotics stuff as well," Mattis said.

Mattis downplayed the idea of "mission creep" in Syria to reporters, reiterating the mission of the Defense Department has been to take care of every problem in the world since the country's founding.

"The U.S. military is proud to be America's 911 force," Mattis said. "And 411, switchboard operator, therapist, and seedy 900 number."

The strategy in Syria would mirror other successful Post-9/11 military campaigns, such as the War in Afghanistan, which officials touted as having accomplished far more in a shorter period of time than the Hundred Years' War.