THE PENTAGON — The US Department of State is in absolute chaos following Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri's declaration of war on ISIS, according to sources. The Pentagon remains deadlocked days later, as sources say its foreign policy experts remain unable to decide which of the two groups the US should rush supplies and military advisers to.
"If there's one thing we've learned in the last hundred years," Secretary of State John Kerry said in a statement following the declaration, "it's that funding and supplying terrorist groups never backfires. Look at the thriving, first world nation Libya has become in just the last five years. Cuba is at least slightly less tyrannical than it would have been without the Bay of Pigs. And Afghanistan ... well, it's Afghanistan. This strategy will work here, too. We just need to figure out who will turn on us slower."
Kerry also confirmed rumors that military operations had ground to a halt in the interim.
"For now," Kerry explained, "we'll be standing down all anti-terrorism operations globally, just in case anyone else wants to jump in. We wouldn't want to bomb our allies. Whoever they are or might become."
Defense Department officials gave more candid evaluations of the difficult and confusing the situation that Al Qaeda has put the United States in.
"Usually we expect a gap of twenty, thirty years at least before we have to start killing people we trained," Defense Logistics Agency analyst Richard Teller said, on condition of anonymity. "This is totally different. We're not just brushing off intelligence reports that say that they'll 'maybe' want to kill us in a quarter century or so."
"What do we do?" Teller continued. "Do we kill them while we're training them? Bob came up with that idea, but he's an idiot. I have a feeling they'll stop coming to work if we do that."
Teller, part of a select team of individuals hand-picked for their logistical experience, is busy coming up with a way to possibly train both groups at the same time, but his isn't the only proposal.
One convoluted plan involves utilizing Al Qaeda facilitators to move goods to ISIS facilitators, who will in turn train Al Qaeda fighters how to become smugglers. Somehow, Nicaraguan cocaine mules also became involved. Ultimately the plan was scrapped due to the overwhelming amount of American-made materiel that would have to be moved to the Middle East and sold to brokers at extremely high black-market prices.
"I see no issue at all with this plan," said Sandra Hemsworth, a Lockheed Martin representative.
Still, despite hours of planning meetings and hundreds of thousands of dollars poured into think tanks around the Beltway to help solve the problem, the question still remains: who is going to get the goods?
"It sure as shit isn't going to be the Iraqi government," Teller said. "We're not fucking stupid."