FORT MCCLELLAN, Ala. – The United States Marine Corps is poised to resurrect its legendary Code Talker Program by attaching several native Alabamians to Marine infantry units currently deployed to Afghanistan, sources have confirmed.
“Ahm jus’ tickled as a dern coon in ah 'shine bucket!” hooted Pfc. Bobby Joe Carson. “Bout to hitch ah scoot ta that there whachacallit Ganderstan an hand out a hidin’ ta thems Towelie-bans.”
Made famous in the Pacific Theater of World War Two, the original Code Talkers used the Navajo language as a form of encrypted communication during a number of critical engagements. The use of Navajo was an exercise in wartime ingenuity that kept the Japanese guessing and saved countless American lives. With so many of America’s modern enemies taking the time to learn English, the call was again sounded for American citizens who speak their own indecipherable dialects.
“Cain’t never coulda seent this kinda catawampus ‘bout the way I talked ma words out,” Carson marveled. “Used ta be them Yankee fancy talkers’d get madder’n a wet hen ‘bout the way I talked and that’d just dill my pickle sumthin’ fierce.”
Military Intelligence specialists have worked for several months with a handful of America’s most incomprehensible citizens to ensure their smooth integration into the Marine Corps. They have also undertaken the laborious task of training specialized linguists to decipher the new Code Talker transmissions.
The program has overcome a series of serious hurdles, including complaints from Equal Opportunity offices over the Code Talkers’ frequent utilization of homophobic slurs and the N-word.
“Who are we to impose our cultural norms on these proud people?” Maj. William Thompson, the Intelligence Liaison for the Code Talkers asked in response to the criticism. “If their only way to describe the night sky is ‘negro freckles,’ who are we to judge 200 years of social evolution?”
Further complications arose early in the program when officers realized that the Code Talkers simply did not have words for mission-critical vocabulary such as "GPS," "computer" or "integration." Fortunately, once the terms were explained, dialectic equivalencies were generated. "Spaceship maps," "boring televisions" and "the devil’s work," respectively.
“I’m plumb si-gogglin’ rightch yonder dem goldern peckerwood airish in tha poke oh flower wit them wharf rats,” asserted Carson. “Roll Tide!”