USMC Eliminates Safety in Attempt to Cut Numbers

QUANTICO, Va. — As the Marine Corps adapts to the new realities of sequestration, senior leaders are seeking novel approaches to further reducing personnel, sources say. According to members of the Commandant's staff, the Marine Corps will roll out a new "Safety Last" campaign to improve natural attrition at a much higher rate than the peacetime Marine Corps has historically achieved.

Commandant Gen. Joseph Dunford, who led "Safety Last's" initial design, reportedly told senior leaders, "The center of gravity for this mission is Darwinian natural selection. We let the Marines exist in a Lord of the Flies environment, without external supervision, in order to forge a stronger, smaller, more disaster-free Marine Corps after the purge."

According to high ranking official sources, the practical effects mean no more safety briefs, no more rules about safety, and no more senior NCOs looking out for their Marines.

"In effect, no more safety. Period," wrote Sgt. Major of the Marine Corps Ronald Green in an email to senior enlisted leaders. "Attrition is our Mission gents. We should employ our Marines to select for themselves who stays and who goes."

Battalion supply shops will begin issuing underage IDs and on-base motorcycle stickers, while Duty NCOs will be replaced by a all-hours justices of the peace to arrange impromptu barracks-love weddings. Junior Marines will ride one-way shuttles from the barracks to the wilderness for snipe hunts. Large quantities of energy drinks will be available free of charge.

Under "Safety Last," Junior Officers will still be the most competitive for retention. At the Basic School, instructors will constantly remind their students, "Remember gents, you only live once." New lieutenants will only receive assignments after surviving a 96 hour liberty call in Tijuana designed to make Hollywood's "The Hangover" trilogy "look like church service announcements."

UPDATE: Just days after the rollout, only 80 percent of the 194,000 active duty Marines are still accounted for, a condition anonymous sources call "Good, but not good enough."