VA Secretary forgets to fire himself after promising to rid agency of corruption

WASHINGTON — Department of Veterans Affairs Secretary David Shulkin forgot to fire himself despite promising to rid his agency of corruption and mismanagement, sources confirmed today.

"I'm taking this opportunity to right the department and remove employees who have served themselves instead of our nation's veterans," Shulkin told reporters, in between being fanned by aides and taking mouthfuls of fresh grapes, after an Inspector General report was released that criticized VA for mismanagement and financial distress.

The new report came just weeks after another IG report was released, which found Shulkin had taken a taxpayer-funded $122,000 vacation with his wife to Europe to take in the sights, watch tennis, and talk about veterans' issues for about two-and-a-half minutes.

Shulkin responded swiftly to Wednesday's IG report by firing a number of VA executives and consolidating the management of more than two dozen hospitals, although sources noted that Shulkin, 58, clumsily forgot to fire himself for the previous scathing IG report.

"Oh, whoopsie. Guess that one just slipped my mind," Shulkin said in a phone interview. "Hey uh, oh look. I gotta go to lunch."

According to senior officials, the inspector general is currently preparing follow-on reports critical of VA management and the disability backlog, though they will be subsequently disregarded by Shulkin and various veterans' groups because nothing matters.

At press time, Shulkin was spotted at the VA headquarters cafeteria eating an exquisitely-prepared rack of lamb with a side of couscous that costed taxpayers $68,000.