VA to start providing same childlike joy as Disneyland

WASHINGTON — After backlash at Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald’s comments that the VA should not judge success by wait times because Disney does not, McDonald clarified that the VA will actually attempt to provide the same amount of youthful wonderment as major theme parks.

“The VA has always been about putting on a spectacle,” said McDonald while donning a Mickey Mouse costume. “Like Disneyland, our employees are fully prepared to keep the magic of pretending to care alive.”

Officials say veterans will get more than the much discussed waiting times.

“They will now get the added joy of riding MRI Mountain, the Haunted Hearing Booth, and the PTSD Adventure,” says a spokesman. “Veterans calling to schedule appointments will also be treated to the Telephone Merry-Go-Round.”

Veterans like Orlando resident Steve Hill agree that the VA being more like an amusement park would be an improvement.

“I almost died waiting for treatment at the Orlando VA Medical Center,” said Hill, “but thankfully someone called the local Disneyland first responders. They saved my life and had me back in the VA waiting room before my name was even called. Theme parks know how it’s done.”

Disney CEO Bob Iger, however, disagrees with McDonald’s claims.

“We actually do consider wait times to be a measure of success,” Iger said. "Along with customer satisfaction, return on investment, and social value. Please, Mr. McDonald, don’t sully the Disney brand by putting us in the same category as one of the worst government agencies ever.”

McDonald remains undeterred.

“Like you’ve all been saying, almost anything the VA does would be an improvement,” said McDonald. “And just like Disneyland visits, we plan to foster the same sense of hopefulness, disillusionment, and eventual loathing that all people come to feel towards Disneyland.”