By Cat Astronaut

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — The value of jalapeño cheese spread packets in Meals Ready-to-Eat (MREs) has skyrocketed in recent days as a Marine Corps unit entered its fourth week of an extended field exercise, sources say.

“Everybody knew coming into this that blue-chip commodities like Grizzly wintergreen and Skittles would go up,” said Sgt. Jerome Farrell. “But no one could have predicted the Joint Chiefs would be so bullish.” 

Many of the unit’s junior Marines have been accused of artificially inflating the cheese spread’s price. After they learned the battalion commander and sergeant major had shorted the spread, they decided to band together to “stick it to the man.”

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“These fat cats up on battalion staff were short jalapeño cheese spread, hoping they could buy it back cheap later in the field op with something like crackers or a challenge coin,” said Lance Cpl. Alex Conway, who acquired three packets of the cheese spread early in the exercise.

“Not on our watch.”

Leaders up and down the battalion have been affected by the sudden turn of events. On Friday, company commanders and first sergeants were frantically trying to sell off Letters of Appreciation and extra liberty in hopes of escaping their short positions. 

“I’m practically a millionaire!” said Cpl. Brian Stokes, slowly tearing a corner off a packet as a band of ravenous officers looked on drooling. “I have lieutenants fawning at my feet just for a squirt of jalapeño.”

At press time, the entire battalion had discovered the jalapeño cheese spread packets they traded for were, in fact, empty and worthless.

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