CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — The value of jalapeño cheese spread packets in Meals Ready-to-Eat (MREs) has skyrocketed in recent days as a Marine Corps unit entered its fourth week of an extended field exercise, sources say.

“Everybody knew coming into this that blue-chip commodities like Grizzly wintergreen and Skittles would go up,” said Sgt. Jerome Farrell. “But no one could have predicted the Joint Chiefs would be so bullish.”

Many of the unit’s junior Marines have been accused of artificially inflating the cheese spread’s price. After they learned the battalion commander and sergeant major had shorted the spread, they decided to band together to “stick it to the man.”