Vandal unable to find statue of Confederate warrant officer to deface

DUNN, N.C. — Moments after setting fire to a statue of World War II veteran Maj. Gen. William C. Lee, which he mistook for a statue of Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee, a local vandal was unable to find any statues of Confederate warrant officers to deface, sources confirmed today.

"I don't see any warrant officer statues around here at all. I could have sworn there was supposed to be a warrant officer statue here," said activist Tad Joshua. "Oh well. They must be at dental."

While federal government reports indicate at least 200 statues of Confederate warrant officers are on display across the southern U.S,, no one has ever reported seeing one. However, at least one statue did leave an out-of-office note.

"The note said he would be out of the office until March 25, and to contact the statue of Confederate Sgt. George Tanner if I was in need of immediate assistance," said Joshua. "But it didn't leave a phone number or email address. There was just a motivational quote from Stonewall Jackson."

The defacement comes after multiple incidents of vandalism to Confederate sculptures in the past few years. None of the incidents, however, have yet affected a warrant officer's statue.

"Honestly, all I've ever been able to find is a hat," added Joshua, "which makes me think a warrant officer statue must be around here somewhere. Maybe he's at chow."

At press time, all of the Confederate warrant officer statues in the country announced they would be TDY to Hawaii for the next six months.