By Zoltar the Malignant
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly declassified report alleges that the infamous vegetable and cheese omelet MRE was not accidentally spawned in a wet market, but was intentionally created in a laboratory to advance “gain-of-function” research into the development of even shittier field rations.
The report from the United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases rejects the long-accepted wet-market theory, and instead concludes that the dreaded “vomelet,” which has spawned tens of thousands of disability claims, was first developed at the Combat Capabilities Development Command Soldier Center, in Natick, Mass.
“Conventional wisdom from the CDC, WHO and other respected health entities have traced the origin of the vegetable omelet MRE to recombinant DNA from a farmer’s market frequented by the strippers who work along Victory Drive outside Fort Benning,” the USAMRIID paper’s unnamed authors wrote. “However, it now appears that the omelet was, in fact, created by our very own Natick Army Labs to spur breakthroughs into even more MRE menus that look and taste like someone took a dump in a pouch.”
Besides the gain-of-function theory, the unnamed authors speculate that Natick scientists may have been trying to develop an MRE that wouldn’t jam up soldiers’ bowels like a Los Angeles freeway at rush hour. Another theory suggests that Natick’s scientists may have invented the vomelet on a dare just to see what a hungry soldier would be desperate enough to eat.
The declassified report sent shockwaves through the Beltway, where the origin of the vomelet has been called into question by Republican lawmakers.
“This culinary abortion was no freak accident involving a stripper, eggs, and a pangolin on VD Drive, as Dr. [Anthony] Fauci and the liberal media would like you to believe,” Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), said on Fox & Friends. “Some mad scientist standing in front of a Tesla coil like you see in black-and-white movies came up with this. It was probably the same jagoff who invented the beverage base powder that won’t dissolve.”
The USAMRIID report’s conclusions came as no surprise to attorney Jess Volano, whose class-action lawsuits on behalf of sickened veterans led to the creation of the Veggie Omelet MRE Individual Tort fund and the Beef enchilada Adverse Reaction Fund. More that $6.4 million has been disbursed from the VOMIT fund to more than 24,000 military personnel claiming disability as a result of attempting to consume the meal.
“Bastards. I knew it,” said Volano, an Iraq veteran, before doubling over and blowing chow into a trash can. “I’ve puked twice a day, every day, since eating that damn vomelet outside of Ramadi in 2006 – and I didn’t even finish it.”
Volano then broke out into multicolored spots before everything metallic in his office began magnetically adhering to his testicles — a side effect he blames on the Rip It he drank to wash away the taste of the vomelet.
Zoltar the Malignant teaches Applied Zero-G Pornography at the US Space Force Academy at Joint Moonbase Trump-Obama, where he lives with his wife, the Teokgeo-ri Midget.