Veteran Disappointed By Lack Of Workplace Violence

DETROIT, Mich. — Army veteran David Jackson, a former infantry platoon sergeant and current human resources representative at Pratt Automotive, loves the additional time with his family, ability to make his own path, and the fair compensation based on his achievements. However, he grossly overestimated the amount of opportunities available to him to shoot recently-terminated, assault-rifle-toting lunatics in corporate America, Jackson revealed in an exclusive interview.

"I have been here seven months without so much as a fucking fist fight," Jackson told Duffel Blog. "Yeah, there was that perverted cell phone peeper, but I am talking about the real sickos. Where are the waves of vicious thumb-dick misogynists breaching the office turn-style with machetes?"

With combat opportunities in Afghanistan dwindling, Jackson performed extensive research into civilian jobs that had the largest probability of being able to kill people. “When I saw that almost five times as many Americans were killed at work than in Afghanistan in 2013, human resources (HR) seemed like a dream come true,” said Jackson while hanging a poster banning use of the company ping pong table between 7AM and 7PM. “Statistics, though, are a mother fucker.”

Jackson explained to Duffel Blog he simply did not research far enough into the past, or complete math past the 6th grade, to realize that workplace homicides have decreased over 60% since 1993.

“My aspirations of being up to my taint in KBAR-wielding malcontents, upset to the point of beheading their managers and everyone in a 100 foot radius were clearly unrealistic,” Jackson told Duffel Blog as he left an anonymous “Go Fuck Yourself” note on an employee’s desk . “All I do is listen to people piss and moan about Equal Opportunity violations and sexual harassment. If I wanted to field inane and ridiculous complaints and treat adults like children I would have stayed a platoon sergeant.”

In fact, to avoid being labeled a “problem finder” by management, Jackson has been a “problem solver” by proactively trying to incite workplace violence himself.

Besides the inherent opportunities to lower morale as an HR rep, he reportedly eats co-workers’ lunches, clips his toenails and fingernails at his desk, and drinks all of the coffee without ever making a new pot. He has even escalated his tactics to taping pictures of spouses to the back of bathroom stall doors. To date nothing has fueled enough anger and resentment to spark a substantial conflict.

“These people are a bunch of pussies,” Jackson said as he filled a co-worker’s Keurig with printer toner. “If something doesn't happen soon then I just might snap.”

Stalwart investigative reporter Lee Ho Fuk contributed to this report.