CLEVELAND, Ohio — Army veteran Jacob Smathers is celebrating after President Donald Trump signed the "Forever GI Bill" into law earlier this month, sources confirmed today.
"Man is this a huge relief," Smathers told reporters. "I was beginning to think I'd have to actually find a real job. This gives me some breathing room to sit back and focus on my education."
Although Smathers has not yet picked a major course of study, he has earned about eight different Associate's Degrees.
"I'm just not quite ready to decide on my career. I mean, I have been enrolled for two-and-a-half years, but what's the rush? Besides, I served my country already. My four years is worth $1500 a month indefinitely.”
Some of Smathers’ classmates were distraught at the news.
“This can’t be real,’’ one student told Duffel Blog on condition of anonymity. “That guy hardly even shows up to class. And when he does, he spends the entire time calling everyone that disagrees with him a snowflake cuck.”
“I work two jobs and have to keep a 3.5 GPA to be here,’’ another student said. “When I told Jacob that, he just laughed and told me I was an entitled pussy.”
Still, Smathers rejects such criticism.
“Fuck all these liberal pussies, crying about their tuition and student loans. Maybe if they’d had the balls to go to Iraq in 2010 they wouldn’t have those problems. I’m getting the fuck out of here, my book stipend just hit. Time to hit the strip club!”