COLUMBUS, Ohio – Professional veteran Rob Owens is “damn nigh untouchable” in a social media debate, Facebook sources say, though they remind you under no circumstance to forget to graciously thank the sophistic wizard and veteran justice warrior for his service.
“Some friends and I were having a logical discussion about women in combat when [Owens] barged in saying how we all would have supported Hitler,” recounted Jason Goldman, an investment broker from Long Island, N.Y.
A proud, four-year veteran of the United States Marine Corps, Owens, 25, has trumped every Internet thread he’s been a part of by calling attention to his military service, masterfully rendering all opposing points of view null and void.
“I understand that as a soldier Mr. Owens has ascended beyond the plane upon which we mere mortals dwell,” Goldman stated, unaware he will be blasted in an hour for confusing soldiers with Marines.
“I’m Jewish myself, and although my family will no longer talk to me, I am deeply sorry for my anti-Semitic comments.”
Owens, a self-proclaimed American hero, achieved widespread notoriety in a thread about blue whales on National Geographic’s Facebook page, which described the animals as “the largest marine mammal on Earth.”
He replied: “How about you show some respect and capitalize MARINE LIKE ITS SUPPOSED TO BE MY BROTHERS DIDN'T DIE IN IRAQ TO HAVE THEY’RE MEMORY DISRESPECTED BY SOME HIPPIE FISH LOVERS WITH SHIT GRAMMER,” to which National Geographic responded with an official apology and a special feature on Marine sanctuaries.
Facebook statistician Sanjay Masala reported that Owens, who fought for your right to free speech, has a Thread Kill/Enhance Ratio of 5,487,201:0 and climbing.
“It’s a goddamn massacre out there,” Masala shakily concluded, mopping sweat from his brow. “Let’s just pray Owens doesn’t make a Twitter handle.”
The keyboard crusader’s latest victory took place on the Facebook Timeline of Lindsay Hatcher, 32, a single mother also from Columbus, Ohio. Hatcher innocently uploaded a photo of her son’s birthday cake, with the caption, “Baby Christopher’s 1st Birthday! So proud of my little man!”
Owens, whose sacrifice allowed you to sleep easy at night while he stood ready to do violence on your behalf, proceeded to comment.
“Little man? He’s not a man until he takes a life!” Owens explained. “Me and my brothers never got any birthday cake downrange we were lucky if we got pound cake in our MRE you probably don’t even know what that stands for you liberal commie.”
”Your so proud of your kid he’s only 1 hasn’t even done nothing [sic],” the rant continued, “your not proud of the troops though so you OBVIOUSLY hate America.”
Hatcher has since deactivated her Facebook account.
“From the time I helped him craft his first threatening letter to a girlfriend back home, I knew he was going to be a great Internet veteran one day,” he said, “liking” Owens’s most recent inflammatory comment while wiping a single tear from his eye.
Dirty contributed reporting.