By Jack S. McQuack

WHITE LAKE, Mich. — A local Army veteran has baffled prominent neuroscientists after they watched him “roll coal” in his lifted Flowmaster 10-outfitted 2004 Chevrolet Silverado while blaring Toby Keith’s “American Soldier” at 165 decibels and was completely unfazed by post-traumatic stress disorder, sources confirmed today.

Kyle Brainerd, who religiously posts yard signs asking to “Be courteous with your fireworks — combat veteran lives here” every summer and sports a Gadsden flag on his tailgate, has a unique condition that is only triggered by people lighting consumer fireworks on or around July 4th.

“The brain is a mysterious organ,” said University of Michigan neuroscientist Dr. Corinne Johnson. “Common sounds we hear in our everyday lives affect people with trauma differently. Kyle’s condition, which revolves around bottle rockets, ground spinners, and party poppers lit by neighborhood children at celebratory BBQs, takes him back to his harrowing days as a U.S. Ar…