Walter Reed medics tell President to return during sick call hours

BETHESDA, Md. – Medics and corpsmen at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center responded with the poise and compassion characteristic of their profession when the president arrived at the military’s flagship hospital earlier last evening.

“I told him the same thing I tell everybody when they show up all sad-faced and mopey while we’re closing the clinic,” Spc. Will Farmer, a medic assigned to the hospital, said as he smoked a cigarette near the executive sick call entrance. “Take some Motrin, drink water, and come back at 0430 when sick call starts hours if you really think you need to be seen. I see it all the time. Last week some supreme court lady was trying to get an appointment after sick call hours.”

“He’s probably just trying to get out work, or a debate or something.”

The president arrived at the medical center in Marine One almost one day after he reported testing positive for the virus via Twitter. Sources say he began displaying mild symptoms earlier in the day such as fatigue, dizziness, and mild humility.

The medics finally let the President in after White House aides, Secret Service agents, and doctors vouched that he was not, in fact, “some shitbag malingerer.”

“Look, we are the military’s front line of defense against these laggards trying to get quarters, profiles, and those fancy new designer drugs like antibiotics,” Petty Officer 3rd Class Sean McGuffy said. “I was trained for 14 long weeks in the art of taking vital signs, applying tourniquets, and eyeballing sandbaggers.”

“I’m just doing my job.”

After being admitted to the hospital, sources say that president was in critical condition in the “stab ward” following 78 attempts by the attending corpsman to start an IV. Walter Reed doctors are reportedly treating him with an experimental cocktail of spray tan, hydroxychloroquine, and bleach. If all else fails, a sturdy corpsman is on standby to sever his head for cryogenic freezing.

At publication, Navy officials confirmed that the Petty Officer 3rd Class who was able to actually start the IV on the president will still not be promoted to E-5.

Duffle Blog reporters Jack S. McQuack and Red Friday contributed to this reporting.