WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pentagon unveiled the latest addition to the National Mall in a quiet ceremony Tuesday commemorating the active duty service members killed through the unforgiving process of natural selection.
The Veterans Darwinism Memorial features a 12-foot bronze statue of a young man crimping a blasting cap with his teeth atop a 15-foot tall monolith with a simple inscription that reads “Famous Last Words: Hey, Watch This.”
“While we take this moment to remember those intellectually-challenged service members no longer with us, we also solemnly salute all the soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines permanently maimed, disfigured or paralyzed in the line of entertainment as well,” Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel said in remarks at the monument.
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Senior officials told reporters the memorial's funding was appropriated after House Armed Services Committee Chairman Buck McKeon (R-Calif.) cornered the reticent House and allegedly said, “No balls. You won’t do it, pussies.”
Rapidly allocated resources permitted the memorial to be constructed in record time, although several mishaps involving crewmen playing “Chicken” did briefly delay headway.
“Nothing quite gets the job done like a little peer pressure,” McKeon observed.
The memorial was well-received by survivors of tragic displays of showmanship and their family members.
“It’s truly an honor to be recognized for my sacrifice to our country,” said Pvt. Duncan “Legs” Swift, a paraplegic who was crippled after demonstrating a PLF [parachute landing fall] from his fourth-story barracks window two years ago.
“But those guys that aren’t with us, they’re the real heroes,” he somberly added.
At press time, Secretary Hagel was seen attempting an unassisted keg stand at the reception following the ceremony.
Duffel Blog intrepid reporter Ted Heller contributed to this article.