RAQQA, Syria — The self-proclaimed Islamic State has been reportedly paralyzed by administrative paperwork and bureaucracy after a U.S. Marine administrative clerk was mistakenly sent there, Duffel Blog has learned.
Marine Staff Sgt. Alonso Gray executed a mistaken set of permanent change-of-station orders to Raqqa earlier this month, moving to ISIS's de facto capital and starting work in their administrative section. Within days of his arrival however, pay errors, late morning reports and "improperly routed routing sheets" have caused the group to crumble from within.
Seemingly unaware that he was working for the global terrorist organization, Gray insisted they submit their DTS vouchers to him at least 90 days prior to going TDY. Commanders then panicked when he told them that their units were “non-mission capable” due to incomplete annual training requirements.
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the former leader of the group, says taking Gray on board was the worst decision he ever made.
"I was supposed to PCS from Mosul to Raqqa before the Iraqi Army attacked, but instead he sent me here," said Baghdadi, speaking from his cell in Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. "They even lost my fucking household goods shipment."
Gray also leaked the identities of ISIS members to the world after accidentally uploading a roster containing the personally identifiable information (PII) of the entire organization to his personal Facebook account, sources confirmed.
Even then, the organization continued fighting for some time, Baghdadi said. But many of their best fighters were forced to EAS when their reenlistment paperwork was lost and their defense couldn't hold.
"Staff Sgt. Gray is a true American hero for single-handedly defeating ISIS," saidGen. Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, "but I'm sure glad he's not my admin chief."
Gray could not be reached for comment as he was either "at chow," "training," or "on leave until next month" every time anybody tried to contact him.