West Point grad who can't change own tire feels called to politics

NEW YORK — Former US Army Capt. Taylor McKessen said today that he “felt called to further service to the nation as an elected representative” in a status update shared with his 1,286 Facebook friends, sources confirmed today.

McKessen, who left the Army in 2010 to enroll at M.I.T. Sloan School of Business and still doesn’t know how to change a tire on his own car, currently works somewhere no one really cares about. But he has a MBA now, which he realized makes him exceptionally nothing.

“I'm 32. Jesus started Christianity at this age. I can win a seat in Congress. Praise Jesus, by the way,” McKessen said in a statement.

Speaking off the record to reporters when asked about his decision to go into politics, McKessen said, “I went to work at a Fortune 500 company. Then I realized I was basically starting over as a Plebe again and I said, fuck that. I need to suckle off the government again. Except this time, in a way that allows me to be filthy fucking rich. Are you still recording?”

“I’ve been blessed with the clarity of conviction since serving two tours in Afghanistan,” McKessen, who has never been inside a house that cost less than $500,000, wrote on Facebook. “One of my guys said, ‘sir, why don’t you run for office one day? These politicians in Washington — they don’t understand real Americans and their concerns.’”

According to an unpublished autobiography McKesson had already written by the age of 26, it’s unlikely that this conversation ever happened at all.

If the conversation did take place, sources said, it would have been within an air-conditioned office complex at Bagram Air Field, where McKessen cut mid-tour leave for deployed soldiers.

“The men and women I served with in Afghanistan were some of the best I’ve ever met. They came from places like Moline, Illinois; Trenton, New Jersey. These cities and towns are being devastated by a jobs crisises. Crises? Which I am uniquely positioned to understand as a private equity investor who has badly exacerbated this problem.”

Friends and acquaintances, of whom some 78% spend an estimated $2,000 or more per month on restaurant food, have long suspected that McKessen harbored political ambitions.

“He was in the military in some capacity, yes, but he has always been a tool. He doesn’t have any rad tats, doesn’t fly an American flag. Never done a keg stand,” said Dr. Melissa Franks, a research oncologist who has lived next to McKessen since 2015. “I always knew he did it because he wanted to run for office. Why else would anyone join the military?”

“I've won enough arguments by attacking my friends with differing political opinions on social media,” McKessen said, later concluding, “I'm ready for the big leagues. ”

As For Class contributed reporting.