West Point to offer online degrees and credit for service

WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy at West Point will offer online degrees and college credits for military service and life experience beginning in 2020, an Army spokesperson told reporters today.

“Times are tight without a reliable budget,” said Brig. Gen. Curtis A. Buzzard, the academy’s commandant. “By opening the school up to the peasan—er, ahem, non-traditional students, the school will tap into the tuition assistance funding stream which will allow us to make much needed upgrades to our barracks, polo field, and servant quarters.”

“And I’m in desperate need of a second footman.”

As part of the service’s overarching Army University program, West Point will offer associate, bachelor, and master’s degree programs in fields such as management, military history, and “general studies,” where enlisted soldiers learn how to dress general officers.

Though many servicemembers applaud the move as bringing the academy into the 21st century, not everyone is happy about altering the institution’s long-held traditions. Nonetheless, West Point has already sent acceptance letters to its first round of applicants, and students like Spc. Anthony Slate are eager to begin their courses of study.

“I already ordered some swag,” Slate said “Now me and the LT will have the same t-shirts and class ring!”

Buzzard also told reporters that there will be a requirement to attend a two-week capstone event prior to graduation where online students will get a glimpse of what traditional cadets experience.

“They will leave these hallowed halls with a sense of duty, honor, and country.” Buzzard said. "And hubris.”

American Psycho levels of hubris."

At press time, the Air Force Academy has announced that it will soon also offer online coursework to airmen through the Air University—Airman-to-Baccalaureate Program, allowing those airmen who have grifted their way to an associate of applied science to finish their last two years of study with the same diploma as their commanders.

The Shammer contributed to this article.