PHILADELPHIA – Shortly after suffering their 14th straight loss to Navy, Black Knights head coach Jeff Monken was expressly vocal on who he felt dropped the ball.

“Women don’t belong in combat, damn it!” Monken fumed. “It’s a goddamn battlefield in those trenches. This is all [Ash] Carter’s fault.”

Indeed, since opening all combat roles – including special operations and service academy athletics – to women just last week, the Black Knights have been overwhelmed with enthusiastic female athletes seeking to prove they are just as capable as males of playing high school football at a collegiate level.

“We’re just here to prove that gender doesn’t matter, and that if we can meet the standard, then we should be able to play,” Black Knights quarterback Lucy Langford said.

“Of course, my eight year-old sister could meet the standard,” Langford quickly added.

With only one week to practice before today’s ugly loss, it was perhaps inevitable to expect any other result.

“This is why you can’t run the option with a female quarterback – they can’t make up their mind!” yelled Monken. “This is precisely why I refuse to go to the mall with my wife.”

When asked if the option’s failure was perhaps more indicative of poor play-calling, a lack of originality, and predictable game strategy, Monken stormed off.

Langford, for her part, believes size played a bigger role in the Midshipmen’s advantage today, and cited the Navy’s lax height-weight standards as the reason her team was so thoroughly dominated.

“I mean, have you seen the size of those women? They’re absolute whales.”