WHITE HOUSE: Not Enough US Citizens In ISIS To Make Air Strikes Worthwhile

BAGHDAD, Iraq — The United States rejected a formal request for manned and unmanned air support from Iraqi Prime Minister Nour al-Maliki last month to combat militants since intelligence reports found an insufficient number of American citizens were present to justify such strikes, Duffel Blog has learned.

“It’s not that we don’t want to help,” said Gen. Robert Caslen, who was recalled from his current position as West Point Commandant to handle the discussions with Maliki due to his experience and relationship with him, from when Caslen was director of the Office of Security and Cooperation-Iraq from 2011 to 2013. “It’s just that the proper criteria have not been met by Iraq and we have to abide by those strict rules.”

Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIS), an al Qaeda-inspired terrorist group, seized Tikrit early this week and are within 100 miles of the capital city of Baghdad. This follows the fall of Mosul late last week, and Ramadi and Fallujah over the last few months.

“The President has made it clear in the past," said Caslen, pausing to adjust the pants of his uniform — easily seven feet too long for him and gathered around his ankles as if they were designed by Prince on mescaline. "We only use targeted strikes against groups of American citizens who have not been tried or convicted of any crime. That and Pakistani weddings. And the President has binders full of targets that he will approve personally before we can greenlight a strike.”

Caslen suggested that Maliki invite Pakistanis to hold weddings and other celebratory gatherings in the immediate vicinity of rebel strongholds and units.

“We constantly have drones circling, set to auto-engage Pakistani weddings and Americans the president personally disagrees with, so we wouldn’t even need to take off our green eyeshades and press the SMITE button,” he concluded.

At press time, Maliki had extended all-expenses-paid invitations to Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter to "thank them for their steadfast support of the Iraq war," but it was unclear whether they would attend.