MOSCOW – A disoriented and clearly haggard Viktor Yanukovych called a former member of his cabinet from an undisclosed location on Saturday morning, asking, “What the hell did I do last week?” The fugitive ex-president, ousted from office and missing since last Friday, is wanted for mass murder, with thousands of Ukrainians and outraged citizens of the international community clamoring for his head.
“What do you mean, I had a hundred people killed in Independence Square? You know what happens when I drink absinthe!” exclaimed Yanukovych. “No, I don’t know where I am. I think somewhere in Russia."
Yanukovych’s increasing unpopularity with the Ukrainian public erupted in a violent climax last week, when demonstrations escalated into full-blown rioting between police and protesters, leaving more than 80 dead. Described by friends and family as a “mean drunk,” Yanukovych drew up plans to crush resistance before his security detail shuttled him onto a helicopter out of Kiev.
Shortly after landing at an unknown location, guards announced that Yanukovych was “lost and most certifiably shitfaced.”
“You let me mix absinthe and ouzo?” Yanukovych spat. “ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH, [name redacted]?”
Ouzo, an anise-flavored aperitif popular in Greece, is known for its strong constitution and hammering properties.
Yanukovych’s former aide, who wishes to remain anonymous, admitted that the disgraced president’s abusive drinking was “pretty depressing to watch.”
“You could smell the self-loathing above the stench of hooker sweat and peyote. He was dropping shots of absinthe and ouzo into pint glasses half-filled with vodka. I mean, [Secretary of Defense] Hagel could take a lesson from this guy,” he continued. “So he calls, and I ask him where he is so we can get him home, but he refused to tell me anything. Poor bastard probably still hasn’t sobered up.”
“No, I don’t want to come home now, you fucking asshole,” Yanukovych was reported as saying. “And no, Edward [Snowden] can’t come to the phone right now.”