Point/Counterpoint: Women In Kombat

The following is a debate between Special Forces officer Sonya Blade and Shotokan ice-manipulator Sub-Zero on allowing women to serve in Mortal Kombat units.

Sub-Zero: Allowing women to serve in Mortal Kombat will tear apart the very fabric that holds our brotherhood of warriors together. When you get called to the Outworld to fight Shao Kahn for the survival of Earthrealm, he's not going to care how great you look in camouflage yoga pants.

When it comes to physical abilities, studies have shown that females' health bars drain faster than males' when under attack, and it's easier for males to execute a fatality. With a simple "right, down, right, A" I can freeze a man and uppercut him into a million pieces from a max effective range of 550 meters.

In terms of Kombat effectiveness, everyone knows that once more women are added, the gameplay standards will be lowered to accommodate their graphics. Every time a tournament comes up, women will just go get pregnant to get out of it, and the team will be shorthanded.

The only reason Raiden kept women on the team in the first place was so he and Jeffrey Sinclair could teleport into the bathroom and watch them shower after every tournament. Female characters might have helped game sales to horny teenagers before Internet porn was invented, but now their inclusion is just an attempt by our spineless game developers to be politically correct.

Oh yeah, and I can friggin' manipulate water vapor with my hands. What can women do, cartwheels?

Sonya Blade: First of all, I'm a Special Forces officer and I was in the original game, so get the idea about how women have never served in Kombat out of your head. I've been in Kombat almost constantly since 1992.

Your thinking is stuck in some outdated version of Kombat where only men were interested in buying video games. The fact today is that there are just as many qualified females as males who can meet the standard and beat Shang Tsung on the first try. The Israelis have been putting women in Kombat for decades, and I don't see anyone overrunning Tel Aviv.

With men in charge, you spent the past fifteen years macho dick-swinging with Scorpion in Netherrealm, while the quality of Earthrealm's team deteriorated (you do realize you guys are both the same thing, just different colors, right?). This could have been prevented with more levelheaded females in charge. We're only limiting our team's potential by restricting half our population to jobs in the background and as side characters in crappy film adaptations.

We need more women on the front lines after they proved so adept at intelligence collection during our Kounterinsurgency in Chaosrealm, where foreign men are not allowed to talk to local women.

Liu Kang is always preaching Equal Opportunity — we already have an Asian, a black guy, and a four-armed Shokan dragon-warrior on the team — yet you want to exclude women? And don't even get me started on how underrepresented Hispanics are.

You can freeze people you say?

That's cute. I snap necks with my vagina.