FORT BRAGG, NC — After downing a fifth of Old Crow bourbon while cleaning the barracks, Pfc. Glenn Williams of 2nd Battalion, 504th Parachute Infantry Regiment announced his full support of women registering for the shaft.

"I ain't no liberal-commie-hippie but I tell you whut, it's the future now, and I fully support women registering. For the shaft," shouted Williams, stroking a mop handle between his legs that clearly symbolized engorged male genitalia.

Williams went on to wiggle his eyebrows while noting it would take an act of "Dongress" to require all women to register for "erective service" once they turned eighteen, which was "perfect timing."

His message was met with full support by the other four soldiers cleaning the barracks laundry room, who high-fived as they humped the air and squirted Windex bottles in a suggestive manner.

"Get it? 'The shaft'? He's talking about his penis," said Pfc. Miguel Acevedo. "Also, just so you know, I would have Selena Gomez register first. No, definitely Rihanna. Ok, Rihanna first, Selena second, and then Nikki Minaj third, because I feel like she could just tear me apart. Yeah."

Duffel Blog was unable to find any women in the area for comment.