Wounded military working dog given service human

QUANTICO, Va. — After a heartbreaking injury during his latest deployment, heroic military working dog Sgt. Fluffy has been given a service lance corporal to help him through daily life.

Spokesmen for Headquarters Marine Corps told reporters that since Lance Cpl. Michael Johanssen was transitioning out of active service and was no longer needed, they were ecstatic to have the opportunity to hand him off to Fluffy. They believe his presence will help the former working dog cope with the stresses of civilian life and assuage his problems with post-traumatic stress disorder.

During his last deployment to Afghanistan, the war hero's primary troubles involved contact with IEDs, finding a suitable place to urinate, and smelling his peers' buttholes. Sgt. Fluffy had a similar experience.

At his End of Active Service ceremony, Marine Corps leaders took turns patting Johanssen's head and cooing, "Aww, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? That's right, Sgt Fluffy is. You had better not forget it, shitbag."

The Lance Corporal's duties will include emotional support, menial tasks, and labor Sgt. Fluffy can't accomplish alone, and occasionally fetching his fellow Marine a beer from the fridge. Johanssen, despite being considered incapable of looking after himself for the past 4 years, is expected to clean up his own feces from the backyard.

When asked how he expected his new assignment to be, Lance Cpl. Johanssen said simply, "Rough."