SOUTH CHINA SEA – A spokesman for USS Port Royal (CG 73) reported the death of Executive Officer Cdr. Mark George today, after he was executed on the flight deck of the guided missile cruiser.
George was sentenced to death by his commanding officer, Capt. Sherman Foley, after the ship received unfavorable results on its annual command climate survey, known as the Defense Equal Opportunity Management Institute's Organizational Climate Survey (DEOCS).
"The annual DEOCS is always a stressful time for me," said Foley, a career surface warfare officer (SWO). "It's a fight to the death to make flag. I can't have any inklings of negative command climate."
Foley executed George by speaking at length about his command philosophy. The crew donned ear protection to shield themselves from the seemingly endless stream of tautologies, hypocrisies and cliches.
The survey, administered to the ship's crew by the ship's executive officer, asks questions such as, "On a scale of 1 - 10, how big of a douche is your CO?" and "How often are you teabagged by the chief petty officer's mess? (a) seldom, (b) often, (c) frequently, or (d) please help me, for the love of Christ."
More recent editions of the survey have also begun to ask if sailors "feel your work is appreciated? (a) absolutely, (b) somewhat, (c) not at all, or (d) N/A, I'm a millennial so my value to this world will never be truly appreciated."
The command receives the results through 200 page report full of statistics displayed in a myriad of confusing ways. Commanding officers often contract an actuary to help them analyze the results and determine their risk of getting relieved.
Foley apparently resented comments referring to him "showing the bridge how big his SWOner is" and sleeping with all the female petty officers during port calls, and blamed George for failing to prevent the crew writing them.
"I'm not going to take responsibility for these ridiculous accusations, but someone needs to be blamed," said Foley. "While that may sound harsh, understand this: there's a wake of collateral damage when you reach for the stars: marriages, kids, mistresses, and many, many enlisted personnel. XO was my friend and my confidant, but he gets added to that list today."
After George turned his OER in, Foley ordered the crew to be mustered for the execution.
"Now, all hands lay to the flight deck for this afternoon's XOcution," said the ship's announcing system, the quartermaster barely able to suppress his giggles.
After three agonizing hours of Foley's rambling, George collapsed on the flight deck, and shouted "FREEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMM!!!!" with his last breath.
George is survived by a failed marriage and two children who don't know what he looks like.